(getting up on soapbox) I'd just like to take a minute to say that it's okay to not breastfeed your children, and that doesn't make you a bad mother. It's something I know, but I really need to hear it right about now. If you're a mom who needs to hear it too, I'm right behind you. I'm not going to go off onto my whole diatribe, but please know that if you were going to send an email telling me how I should be able to nurse my premature twins with a 1-year-old and a job, don't bother. I love my children with all my heart and the best thing for them is a mother who's sane and healthy. (climbing off soapbox)

Healing from the inside out My incision is taking forever and a day to heal, and it's frustrating the heck out of me. It's been stapled, taped, left open, and now taped again, and about an inch or so on either side just doesn't want to close. My doctor says I'm healing from the inside out, which makes perfect sense to me because it would be just like my body to do things backwards. ;) But then when I think about it more... I think about how I want to be in perfect, pre-baby shape now. I want all my energy back; I want to be working and painting and chalking with babies in a backpack, I want to cook dinners again and be able to dance around the room with Sophie on my hip. And when I think of all those "I wants", I realize that maybe this slow-healing wound is a blessing in disguise. I'm still healing, still recovering from major surgery (oh yeah, and giving birth to twins) and it is going to take some time before I'm back up to full speed. Maybe being cautious about this incision is forcing me to slow down so I will be able to better do all those things when I truly am strong enough, instead of rushing into a whirlwind of activities and blowing it all now. And maybe an attitude adjustment needs to be a part of my healing process too. Yesterday the doctor put silver nitrate on my incision to help it scar faster. (Sounds odd, but silver is good for wounds!) I kind of like that idea - like precious metals are a necessary part of my healing procedure. Last night a sitter cancelled and I had two hours of alone-time with Sophie that we haven't had in weeks. We made tea, sang songs, and danced - carefully. I think I'm finally convincing myself that it's okay to slow down - the world isn't going to go anywhere without me.

The good news: The twins are 3 weeks old tonight, off all IVs, CPAP, and weigh 4 pounds each. The bad excellent news: Sophie has a strange rash that may be is definitely NOT chicken pox. Phew!

Peter and Angela update: The little ones are almost two weeks old, and they're really doing great! As of this afternoon.... - both are past their birth weights (Angela is now 3 lbs, 8 oz; Peter is 3 lbs, 9 oz) - they are both having time off the CPAP (that's the stream of room air that goes straight to their noses) and are doing very well without it - both are still on caffeine for their apnea, but Peter hasn't had an episode since the 14th (they forget to breathe sometimes, they usually right themselves, Angela is the only one who needs a little extra reminder now and then. Breathing and eating are two of the last things they learn how to do before birth, so while it's unsettling to hear that your child forgets to breathe now and then, it's not unusual at this point) - they are both taking in more and more at each feeding (through feeding tubes - they will get bottles when they get closer to their due date; they're on breastmilk with fortifiers to give them more calories and bulk them up) - Peter is now off his IV and they plan to have Angela off too in a day or so - nurses say they should definitely be home before their first due date (was first week of May; we're hoping for mid-April or sooner) Mama update: I am pretty much wiped out - I can only imagine what it would be like to have major surgery and have everyone home all at the beginning. Pumping, trying to take care of Sophie without picking her up, visiting the twins, and just resting are all wearing me out. I am having the hardest time letting go and letting other people take care of things, especially if they do things differently than I would have done them. There's a lesson to be learned here... when I'm not so tired I'll think about it some more.

READY OR NOT HERE WE COME - IT'S A BOY AND A GIRL! PETER JOSEPH & ANGELA FAITH Born Wednesday, March 3, 2004 (just squeezed in before midnight) Mommy, Daddy, and the babies are all in good health, and very proud, and exceedingly joyful! Daddy is just home right now doing a quick email. This is actually quite early for them to be born (Elena was at 30 weeks) - the twins' due date was May 7. So this caught us all by surprise. (I thought at least April) Last night I had just finished up teaching and Elena tells me that she's been timing contractions that were about 5 minutes apart. She called the doctor and he told her to go to the hospital as a precaution, and thank God we did, because by the time we got to the hospital they were 3 minutes apart and she was completely dilated. However, both babies were breach, and she had to have a C section. We were scared, but it went really well. Peter and Angela went directly to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) as all preemies do and are being well monitored. The doctors said most preemies are kept in the ICU until their expected due date (May 7) - but depending on how they are doing they can come out a little earlier. They are on respirators to make sure their breathing is okay. Basically they are fine but they need to be closely monitored. A special thank you for all your thoughts and prayers and all kinds of help for our babies. We are very grateful they seem pretty stable right now. And they're beautiful!

A good bit of whining and complaining. I am officially HUGE. Carrying twins is no picnic. At 29 weeks (last week) I measured the same size as a 37-week pregnancy. I look like me, with a large watermelon under my shirt. I was this big when I had Sophie, except I could rest when I wanted to and wasn't lifting a 1-year-old and chasing her around the house. I sleep a lot. I could sleep all day and only wake up to eat and pee, and I still wouldn't get enough sleep. I went to the library yesterday for 15 minutes and it almost did me in. Sophie had a wonderful birthday party, but I slept for two days following and could barely move.

A good bit of whining and complaining, Part 1. We have a potential due date now; it's looking like I will need a C-section the week of April 15th. Baby A is consistently breech, and to be honest, I'd rather just go in and have a C than push for hours for the first one only to find out I need a C anyway. But it doesn't make me like having a C-section one bit. In fact, I'm pretty scared about it. I worry that the twins are going to come early. I've resigned myself to the idea that they will most likely spend some time in the ICU, but I keep sending them good thoughts of strength - I want them to be at least 5 pounds when they're born. Every cramp, twinge, and ache makes me afraid I'm going into pre-labor. I call the doctor often - better safe than sorry. So far, everything's fine and this is normal twin-ness - but I do have to slow down even more than I already have. It's frustrating like you wouldn't believe. I make lists now, all the time. I even made a list of the lists I need to make! They range from #3: Food Sophie will almost always eat (for when I'm in the hospital) to #10: What are we going to name these babies? to #8: Phone list for when we need to go to the hospital and someone needs to stay with Sophie until my parents get there; and #2: What I should pack for the hospital. My brain cells are slooooooooowwwly switching off so that I won't care what gets packed and that we can name both kids Melvin whether they're boys or girls.... so you can see how I need to make these lists NOW, and I do hammer away at them every day. Pray for me, please.... I only have a few weeks left to go. (Coming in Part 2: lack of sleep, and how my stomach is the size of a pregnancy 8 weeks ahead.)