2009 has been a very frustrating year, and very sad in parts too. I'm actually pretty happy to see it go.
Someone commented recently that everything seems to go right for me and we live in some wonderful fantasy world, and I said, "Oh, no! We're very real, I promise." But it's true that I tend not to post when we are either so busy I can't sit down, or things are especially crazy, or I really don't want to document what's going on because this isn't private and my family may not appreciate it. For instance, for about two months straight a certain small member of my family was throwing massive tantrums on a regular basis that included kicking, hitting, and biting, mostly all directed at me. They lasted for HOURS sometimes, and left me a sobbing mess on the floor when they were over. (Do you all really want to hear about that kind of thing?) I was living through it and didn't feel the need to rehash it here. I try to keep this site as real, and as inspiring, and whine-free as possible. So some days (and weeks) I choose not to post.
In any case, the end of the year always brings introspection: the need for a plan, a resolution, a change for the coming year, renewal. Well, not much is going to change in my life right now just because it's the new year :) - I still have a family that needs me very intensely right now and a lot of people who depend on me. I was getting incredibly frustrated at plans falling through, by feeling like nobody in the world could care less about my artwork, about failing to get big jobs/noticed/book deal, not that I actually tried to do any of that, never mind the fact that I would be stretched so thin that I wouldn't be able to do my best work anyway... And on a snowy morning last week when I had a quiet hour to myself, I realized what needed to change: my attitude. I prayed, and I cried, and I prayed some more, and the words came directly into my mind:
BLOOM WHERE YOU'RE PLANTED
So right now, this is not the time for me to illustrate a book. Or to have a licensing deal. Or get an agent. And that's okay. It's time to step back, and breathe, and maybe even enjoy my life instead of fighting every step of the way and being frustrated and upset at coming up short. Because really, I have so very much.
I have a wonderful husband I love with all my heart.
I have amazing children that I would like even if they weren't mine. :)
I have an extended family that is so supportive and loving.
I have a day job making art, with people that are like family to me.
I have a house to live in, food to eat, warm clothes to wear.
We are healthy.
I'll still paint, make prints, do crafts, but I'm going to stop beating myself up for not doing or being MORE right this second. I know my day, my book, my artwork - is going to come.
And I can wait for the promise of that.