(getting up on soapbox) I'd just like to take a minute to say that it's okay to not breastfeed your children, and that doesn't make you a bad mother. It's something I know, but I really need to hear it right about now. If you're a mom who needs to hear it too, I'm right behind you. I'm not going to go off onto my whole diatribe, but please know that if you were going to send an email telling me how I should be able to nurse my premature twins with a 1-year-old and a job, don't bother. I love my children with all my heart and the best thing for them is a mother who's sane and healthy. (climbing off soapbox)

Healing from the inside out My incision is taking forever and a day to heal, and it's frustrating the heck out of me. It's been stapled, taped, left open, and now taped again, and about an inch or so on either side just doesn't want to close. My doctor says I'm healing from the inside out, which makes perfect sense to me because it would be just like my body to do things backwards. ;) But then when I think about it more... I think about how I want to be in perfect, pre-baby shape now. I want all my energy back; I want to be working and painting and chalking with babies in a backpack, I want to cook dinners again and be able to dance around the room with Sophie on my hip. And when I think of all those "I wants", I realize that maybe this slow-healing wound is a blessing in disguise. I'm still healing, still recovering from major surgery (oh yeah, and giving birth to twins) and it is going to take some time before I'm back up to full speed. Maybe being cautious about this incision is forcing me to slow down so I will be able to better do all those things when I truly am strong enough, instead of rushing into a whirlwind of activities and blowing it all now. And maybe an attitude adjustment needs to be a part of my healing process too. Yesterday the doctor put silver nitrate on my incision to help it scar faster. (Sounds odd, but silver is good for wounds!) I kind of like that idea - like precious metals are a necessary part of my healing procedure. Last night a sitter cancelled and I had two hours of alone-time with Sophie that we haven't had in weeks. We made tea, sang songs, and danced - carefully. I think I'm finally convincing myself that it's okay to slow down - the world isn't going to go anywhere without me.

The good news: The twins are 3 weeks old tonight, off all IVs, CPAP, and weigh 4 pounds each. The bad excellent news: Sophie has a strange rash that may be is definitely NOT chicken pox. Phew!

Peter and Angela update: The little ones are almost two weeks old, and they're really doing great! As of this afternoon.... - both are past their birth weights (Angela is now 3 lbs, 8 oz; Peter is 3 lbs, 9 oz) - they are both having time off the CPAP (that's the stream of room air that goes straight to their noses) and are doing very well without it - both are still on caffeine for their apnea, but Peter hasn't had an episode since the 14th (they forget to breathe sometimes, they usually right themselves, Angela is the only one who needs a little extra reminder now and then. Breathing and eating are two of the last things they learn how to do before birth, so while it's unsettling to hear that your child forgets to breathe now and then, it's not unusual at this point) - they are both taking in more and more at each feeding (through feeding tubes - they will get bottles when they get closer to their due date; they're on breastmilk with fortifiers to give them more calories and bulk them up) - Peter is now off his IV and they plan to have Angela off too in a day or so - nurses say they should definitely be home before their first due date (was first week of May; we're hoping for mid-April or sooner) Mama update: I am pretty much wiped out - I can only imagine what it would be like to have major surgery and have everyone home all at the beginning. Pumping, trying to take care of Sophie without picking her up, visiting the twins, and just resting are all wearing me out. I am having the hardest time letting go and letting other people take care of things, especially if they do things differently than I would have done them. There's a lesson to be learned here... when I'm not so tired I'll think about it some more.

READY OR NOT HERE WE COME - IT'S A BOY AND A GIRL! PETER JOSEPH & ANGELA FAITH Born Wednesday, March 3, 2004 (just squeezed in before midnight) Mommy, Daddy, and the babies are all in good health, and very proud, and exceedingly joyful! Daddy is just home right now doing a quick email. This is actually quite early for them to be born (Elena was at 30 weeks) - the twins' due date was May 7. So this caught us all by surprise. (I thought at least April) Last night I had just finished up teaching and Elena tells me that she's been timing contractions that were about 5 minutes apart. She called the doctor and he told her to go to the hospital as a precaution, and thank God we did, because by the time we got to the hospital they were 3 minutes apart and she was completely dilated. However, both babies were breach, and she had to have a C section. We were scared, but it went really well. Peter and Angela went directly to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) as all preemies do and are being well monitored. The doctors said most preemies are kept in the ICU until their expected due date (May 7) - but depending on how they are doing they can come out a little earlier. They are on respirators to make sure their breathing is okay. Basically they are fine but they need to be closely monitored. A special thank you for all your thoughts and prayers and all kinds of help for our babies. We are very grateful they seem pretty stable right now. And they're beautiful!

A good bit of whining and complaining. I am officially HUGE. Carrying twins is no picnic. At 29 weeks (last week) I measured the same size as a 37-week pregnancy. I look like me, with a large watermelon under my shirt. I was this big when I had Sophie, except I could rest when I wanted to and wasn't lifting a 1-year-old and chasing her around the house. I sleep a lot. I could sleep all day and only wake up to eat and pee, and I still wouldn't get enough sleep. I went to the library yesterday for 15 minutes and it almost did me in. Sophie had a wonderful birthday party, but I slept for two days following and could barely move.

A good bit of whining and complaining, Part 1. We have a potential due date now; it's looking like I will need a C-section the week of April 15th. Baby A is consistently breech, and to be honest, I'd rather just go in and have a C than push for hours for the first one only to find out I need a C anyway. But it doesn't make me like having a C-section one bit. In fact, I'm pretty scared about it. I worry that the twins are going to come early. I've resigned myself to the idea that they will most likely spend some time in the ICU, but I keep sending them good thoughts of strength - I want them to be at least 5 pounds when they're born. Every cramp, twinge, and ache makes me afraid I'm going into pre-labor. I call the doctor often - better safe than sorry. So far, everything's fine and this is normal twin-ness - but I do have to slow down even more than I already have. It's frustrating like you wouldn't believe. I make lists now, all the time. I even made a list of the lists I need to make! They range from #3: Food Sophie will almost always eat (for when I'm in the hospital) to #10: What are we going to name these babies? to #8: Phone list for when we need to go to the hospital and someone needs to stay with Sophie until my parents get there; and #2: What I should pack for the hospital. My brain cells are slooooooooowwwly switching off so that I won't care what gets packed and that we can name both kids Melvin whether they're boys or girls.... so you can see how I need to make these lists NOW, and I do hammer away at them every day. Pray for me, please.... I only have a few weeks left to go. (Coming in Part 2: lack of sleep, and how my stomach is the size of a pregnancy 8 weeks ahead.)

Sophie's first birthday! Happy birthday, little one! (with thoughts from last year here and here)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Henson sells Muppets to Disney Disney will acquire the Muppet and Bear characters for an estimated $40-60 million. JHC and the Creature Shop will continue to exist without the Muppets. [Excuse me, WHAT?!] The courtship began 15 years ago in 1989. (link from Muppet Central) It has been my dream for almost half my life to be a Muppeteer. I wanted to work for Jim Henson, I did my senior presentation in English class in high school about the Muppets, I took puppetry classes in college. I even auditioned for and got accepted for a pilot for a children's show as a puppeteer (it never got off the ground, but I was hopeful). I put The Dream on hold for a while, thinking that someday, somehow, I would still be able to be a part of it. But not anymore. I have a thing about Disney; I think they're trying to take over the world. They just scare me. I like some of the stuff they do, but in general, they're the Evil Empire to me. I was depressed with news earlier this year that Henson Associates was selling off the NY offices (where I always dreamed I'd commute to someday), but this is like the final nail in the coffin to me. I'm sure I can look forward to greater distribution of older Muppet stuff; I have nothing against commercialization of the Muppets (hey, there are no fewer than 3 stuffed Kermits in our house right now), but it just won't be the same. I guess I have to face the fact that ever since Jim died, it never really was going to ever be the same for me again. I know that I can always do some kind of puppetry in time, and maybe even try to do it for a living someday. But it's really sad to know that the dream job I've had in my head for half of my life will never be because the world went and changed before I was ready to act on it.

ps ~ lots more good stuff here and here.

Bigger than ever... I swear on a stack of french toast that I feel like this today. (Complete with "Foo!") Roll me around like Violet the blueberry girl from Willie Wonka, for heaven's sake. ps ~ I had another Art Night last night. I may not be able to see my feet, but darnit, I'm being creative.

Valentines + Art Night = Perfect Together This weekend, Paul decided it was time for me to start having Art Night again once a week. The scary thing was that I had completely and utterly forgotten about Art Night. That used to be my favorite night of the week! So after dinner on Sunday, Paul shooed me upstairs to my studio, although all I wanted to do was sleep... I promised I would give it a try. And I wound up doing this year's Valentine! It's the first to have Sophie on it (naturally, since this will be her first Valentine's Day) and it was truly fun to draw. The only problem was that my stomach kept getting in the way of my sketchpad... I'll be posting it with the rest of the Valentines on the site very soon!

A burning question... If I've been craving ice cream and hot fudge for 3 weeks now, it's time to give in, yes?

Everything I need to know, I learned from my 11-month old. Sophie turns 11 months today, and I realized what an inspiring little adventurer she is. I can learn so much from her. She is constantly stretching her limits and trying new things. So what if she just can't reach the coasters in the middle of the coffee table? Maybe tomorrow her arms will be long enough. She tries new foods and dives right in. She shares, and we've never even taught her that, it comes from within. She's constantly exploring, picking up things, running her hands over them, seeing if they taste good. She makes up new words. And when she sleeps, she sleeps deeply, with her favorite Lambie by her side. She's quite the adventurer.... all she needs now is a theme song.

Reality? Now that I am on so-called bedrest, I have been watching a heckofa lot more tv. Since I am cable-less, network tv has been providing me with interesting, although mindless, diversion while I knit (and the twins kick me again.... and again.... and again....) American Idol: I don't really find the auditions interesting. The good part happens once the first group of singers has to work and follow directions. It blows my mind how many people ruin a chance of a life-time because they think the rules don't apply to them, and that all they have to do is grin and laugh and they'll get forgiven and bumped up to the next round. Life doesn't work that way. (ps: Scootergirl is my hero!) The Apprentice: I laughed out loud when the two groups had to do a major ad campaign in 48 hours, and only one group thought it necessary to meet with the client. Come on! America's Top Model: Something I could never in a gazillion years ever be, but very interesting to watch. This, like Idol, is the kind of competition you are only going to win if you want it badder than everything else and are willing to work your tail off for it. (And maybe not even then, if your bra size is too big or you're too short.... that must be why I'm not a top model yet. Right.)

For everyone joining me on the Year of Adventure... this is for you to print and cut out and put in your wallet, tuck in your mirror, paste in your journal. I'm adventuring with you. (And if you do put it in your online journal, please link back, okay?)

Bedrest...? This is my second week of working half-days, and being on bedrest for the afternoons. It is SO incredibly hard to just stop in the afternoons and rest. Even when I'm lying down, I have to do something with my hands because I feel like I should be productive. I'm productive all right, I'm having twins for goodness' sake! But things call to me... errands to be run, meals to be made, laundry to do... and it's so very very hard to go take a nap or knit or watch tv and lie down with my feet up. I can't believe I may only have 3 months to go. The worst set of twin names, ever. I started a post on SARK's marvelous message board to help me find all the names I should NOT name the twins. They've come up with some great ones! My faves so far are Rubber and Glue, and a woman who knows twins that are actually named Lemonjello (Le-MAHN-jel-o) and Oranjello (Or-AHN-jel-o) because of the cravings their mom had while pregnant. Sheesh. My kids would be (as of this moment) Potato Chip and Chocolate Chip. Read the ever-growing list here, or start your own list below in the comments section. Have fun!

Wonder-ful words of wisdom... We all know sometimes life's hates and troubles Can make you wish you were born in another time and space But you can bet your life times that and twice its double That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed ~ Stevie Wonder, As I do think that God has me here in this place, right now, for a reason. I believe that there's some divine planning that's putting three babies under the age of two in my care. I have no idea why it took so long for Sophie to come to us, and why we get twins a year later, but I do believe there's a divine plan for it. And I'm not going to waste my time trying to figure it out - I'm just going to trust.

Savoring. Sophie the wonder baby had her first taste of macaroni last night, and she absolutely loved it! She said "Mmmm" after every bite... that's my nice Italian baby! But it really makes me think... how often do I enjoy my food like that? Trust me, I'm a girl who loveslovesloves food, but it seems that I'm constantly eating things on the run, eating with Sophie on my lap or chasing after her, eating whatever's easiest to heat up in the microwave. Sometimes I'm eating garbage (i.e., Christmas candy) because it's out. Sometimes I'm craving something in particular and it's not anywhere in the house (not to mention I probably shouldn't be eating it anyway). I am longing for a meal that doesn't revolve around Sophie, around errands, a meal that I could either have cooked myself or not. A meal that I can eat uninterrupted and quietly and take as long as I need to be full without having to stick my plate in the fridge for later. Darnit, I want to savor my food. So, along those lines, I will be making a casserole dish of oven-baked french toast to be eaten at breakfast all next week, and I will top it with berries from my freezer and why the heck not, whipped cream and powdered sugar as well. I'll make tea, and say "Mmmmm!" to Sophie after each bite.

If adventure has a name, it must be... Last night, Paul and I actually got a sitter and went out for a romantic dinner for two. Inbetween trying to come up with baby names and deciding which appetizer to pick, I declared that this year was going to be the Year of Adventure. I tend to create a theme for my years - 2002 was a year of Learning, 2003 was the year of Harmony (with good intentions, really, but I really didn't like the song it was making most of the time) - and this year, it seems to me, is the Year of Adventure. When I look at the year ahead as being a huge adventure, it seems less daunting, more manageable. I have huge changes coming up; I'm working half-days for the first time in 10 years, I'm on partial bedrest (and I need to actually be resting, not using that time to run around and do tons of stuff), and oh yes, by May I will have three children under the age of two - any one of these things is enough to make me wake up at 3 am in a cold sweat. But then I think - Indiana Jones had his snakes, his baddies and thugs, but he also had his whip and a whole bunch of smarts to get him through. I have an awesome family and support from all corners. I am also one tough cookie. Look out, 2004, here I come.