It's either sadness or euphoria. That's my life right now... it seems I'm either crying all day or laughing my pants off. And while I'm quoting Billy Joel; this song was written just for me. Especially the taking-the-phone-off-the-hook-and-disappearing-for-a-while part.

Double the fun! See more pics online in Grandma's album.

ANGELA IS HOME AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woo hoo! At last (82 days later), the little muffins are home together. Right now, Angela wants to be fed and Peter is staring off into space, with a "oh, Mother, what have you gotten us into now?" look. Sophie was excited to see them and is working on telling them apart. Grandma is here with homemade cinnamon buns to celebrate, and I've already been chalking up the driveway with welcome home messages. Life is good.

Those of you who want to know what motherhood is really like, read this... it's so true.

Acting like a grownup. Today I had a rare chance to be a "grownup" - I got to get dressed up (meaning, not jeans or sweats) for a MuttsComics.com anniversary luncheon. The first thing people said to me after I got back was "You don't look like you had twins!"... which was precisely the reaction I was looking for. (5 more pounds to go and I'm at my pre-twin weight, 5 more after that and I'm at my pre-Sophie weight. I look pretty good if I do say so myself. ;) Paul and my dad watched Sophie and Peter, and I got to go into work and have adult conversation about art, design, and, of course, Mutts. The company's grown and I find it exciting to be coming back in June to a bigger art department - more people to share ideas with and less pressure for me to be a design machine. After a wonderful lunch, there were even a few minutes to try to work on these crocheted flowers - which Allyson has down pat but I can't get the hang of. I had a great time, but at the same time I felt so torn - I wanted to be there and home, too. I savored being by myself with nice clothes and no Sophie attached to my leg, and at the same time I wanted to be on my hands and knees, chasing her around the room. I almost cried when I got into the car to go home (not the minivan, for a change) because I felt such a pull for both. I'm sure I'll get it together by the time I go back.

Living is not enough... one must have sunshine - freedom - and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Andersen

Welcome to the world... My new little nephew, Jude Garrett Bazerman, was born this morning to first time parents Carole and Marc. What a fantastic Mother's Day present! I immediately went here and requested a certain Beatles song to be dedicated to him. Happy Mother's Day, And don't forget to check out these amazing mamas: Jill, Michelle, Claire, and Julie, all of who show you can be a mama and still be as creative as ever (maybe even more so)! And another new arrival... I am eagerly awaiting the debut of SARK's new website (and lusting after her new book as well). Yum.

Due date, but no Angela yet. My due date is TODAY. I can't imagine how I would have managed carrying these muffins to term - they now are over 7.5 lbs each - and then take care of them while recovering from a C-section. My dad says that God stretched everything out so that it would be in a way that I could handle it. And I am, just. We are still spread out, with Angela contending for the Fattest Baby Ever in the NICU award, and Sophie and Peter doing their thing here. So in honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to do little character sketches of my little ones: Peter: is just the cutest thing around. Since Sophie never opened her eyes fully (because of her ptosis) we never got the full effect of that head-on, blue-eyed baby stare. I love it. When he cries he sounds like a kitten; he's already lifting his head and changing sides when he does tummy time. The only thing that drives him up the wall is the fact that he can't see behind himself and his head doesn't rotate around 360 degrees - I guess that will be extra incentive to learn to roll over. Would be perfectly thrilled if I would feed him constantly all day so that he could snack when he wanted to and not every 4 hours. Angela: still being (in the nurses' words) "a naughty girl" and having apnea episodes that keep her from going home. She definitely wins the Chubbiest Cheeks in the NICU award and the Baby Who Has Been There The Longest And Really Needs To Go Home Already award. Thankfully, the nurses love having her around. I pray that Peter picks up her eating habits - 4 oz. in 20 minutes! She likes when you rock her and sing to her. And naturally, she's adorable. ;) Sophie: amazes me every day with how smart she is. She not only knows what birds are, she will comment on them singing outside and then point to the bird mobile I made and announce that they are birds as well. She has a huge vocabulary for a 14-month old, and is going to walk any day now. She understands that there is a new baby in the house, but can't quite wrap her mind around the fact that another one is coming soon, too. And you can watch her do animal noises here. Coming soon from the same session: Sophie doing parts of the body and talking about flowers).

Beauty is... My dear friend Snowflake sent me this link to Pantone's Birthday Color site. Here's what it gives for my birthday's color (August 15): You are magnetic and others find you attractive. I find that to be both right and misleading. I have never thought of myself as attractive; never thought I was hideous, either, just average. I think I have good days when I might actually use the word "pretty" to describe myself, but then I've seen photos of a day when I felt particularly spectacular and was incredibly disappointed at how goofy I looked in reality. Which brings me to my point.... I think that any attributes of beauty or attractiveness that anyone sees in me come from the me that's inside. I think I am on the plain side, and anyone who thinks I'm otherwise has seen the real me shining through and that's what's lent the sparkle. I've often found that confidence and a happy spirit do more to make me attractive than whiter and straighter teeth or shiny hair could ever do. (My husband disagrees and thinks I'm beautiful to begin with, but you know what? He's supposed to think that. I'm not going to convince him otherwise.) So thinking further along these lines... I know how much self-esteem has to do with beauty, and how much a lack thereof can make a physically beautiful person unattractive. When I was growing up, in my preteen years, I was told over and over again by my peers how ugly I was, what a loser, and of course I believed it no matter what my parents said to me. What I became was a very late bloomer, which wound up working just fine for me, but the seeds of that 12-year-old taunting still run deep. I'm so determined to give my kids a strong sense of their own self-worth, to encourage them to let their true selves sparkle and shine and to believe in themselves no matter what anyone else says to them. I tell them every day how special they are and how much I love them, and I'll just have to hope that a daily dose of that will help innoculate them against the cruel things other kids say. So, how much of beauty is skin deep? And how much comes from the light inside you? ps ~ the Pantone page also says, "Your sensitive nature can work best in a creative field such as performing or decorative arts." So they're not all wrong.

I'Mpossible. It's been an adventurous, scary, thrilling week. Peter is a delight and Sophie is thrilled to the tips of her toes with him - every morning she points to him and shouts, "Petey!" and already she's tried to share her Cheerios with him. He's on a monitor which seems to mostly want to alarm us in the middle of the night because a wire's coming loose - not for medical reasons. It's reassuring, but annoying all the same. One thing I know for sure - I've been stretched in so many ways these past weeks, stretched to learn new things, pushed to do things I never knew I could handle; things that pre-twins I would have said were just impossible. But I'm reminded of a wonderful SARK quote, where she says "Impossible means I'm possible." Right now, the possibilities of what I am capable of seem endless. I never knew before that I could possibly feed two newborns soley on pumped milk for a month, but I did it. I didn't think I'd ever fit in my jeans again, or get to go chalking or do anything artistic, but I've been doing those things too (joyfully!). Every day brings new challenges, and every day I learn that it's possible for me to rise to them and do them with all my heart. Interesting note: It's been 7 weeks since the twins were born, and this week was when my C-section was supposed to actually be scheduled. And the twins' official due date was May 8.... they're still not supposed to have been born yet! Now, if we could just get Angela home from the hospital....

At last - Peter is home! (And there was much rejoicing.)

Angela is still having problems eating from a bottle, but Peter could be coming home Easter Sunday. WOW.

Things that have made me cry/melt in the past few days: - Sophie pointing to my braid and saying, "pretty." - a beautiful letter from my brother telling me what a great job I'm doing being a Mama. - watching the Sesame Street 35th Anniversary special (which was pretty disappointing) and seeing the clip where Susan says, "But Big Bird, Mr. Hooper's not coming back." - a crystal paperweight with a baby angel blowing kisses to the moon, from the moms on the Mother's Retreat my mom helps run every year. I do a scripture passage on a poster for them each year, but I had never expected something back. - the fact that the wonderful women from my Cornerstone group have been making our family dinner each Monday since before the twins were born - it's the hugest help. - and this: a mysterious package I received today with no card or return address, containing a gorgeous set of cards entitled "Mother's Nature: Calm and Confidence for the Motherhood Journey." It's beautiful and it's also the kind of thing I would love to make one day. I have my guesses as to who it is, but I'm not sure...?

Happy Birthday! Peter and Angela are one month old today! We made chocolate-chip cookies and brought them to the hospital to celebrate with the nurses. See more photos of them (finally!) here.

(getting up on soapbox) I'd just like to take a minute to say that it's okay to not breastfeed your children, and that doesn't make you a bad mother. It's something I know, but I really need to hear it right about now. If you're a mom who needs to hear it too, I'm right behind you. I'm not going to go off onto my whole diatribe, but please know that if you were going to send an email telling me how I should be able to nurse my premature twins with a 1-year-old and a job, don't bother. I love my children with all my heart and the best thing for them is a mother who's sane and healthy. (climbing off soapbox)

Healing from the inside out My incision is taking forever and a day to heal, and it's frustrating the heck out of me. It's been stapled, taped, left open, and now taped again, and about an inch or so on either side just doesn't want to close. My doctor says I'm healing from the inside out, which makes perfect sense to me because it would be just like my body to do things backwards. ;) But then when I think about it more... I think about how I want to be in perfect, pre-baby shape now. I want all my energy back; I want to be working and painting and chalking with babies in a backpack, I want to cook dinners again and be able to dance around the room with Sophie on my hip. And when I think of all those "I wants", I realize that maybe this slow-healing wound is a blessing in disguise. I'm still healing, still recovering from major surgery (oh yeah, and giving birth to twins) and it is going to take some time before I'm back up to full speed. Maybe being cautious about this incision is forcing me to slow down so I will be able to better do all those things when I truly am strong enough, instead of rushing into a whirlwind of activities and blowing it all now. And maybe an attitude adjustment needs to be a part of my healing process too. Yesterday the doctor put silver nitrate on my incision to help it scar faster. (Sounds odd, but silver is good for wounds!) I kind of like that idea - like precious metals are a necessary part of my healing procedure. Last night a sitter cancelled and I had two hours of alone-time with Sophie that we haven't had in weeks. We made tea, sang songs, and danced - carefully. I think I'm finally convincing myself that it's okay to slow down - the world isn't going to go anywhere without me.

The good news: The twins are 3 weeks old tonight, off all IVs, CPAP, and weigh 4 pounds each. The bad excellent news: Sophie has a strange rash that may be is definitely NOT chicken pox. Phew!

Peter and Angela update: The little ones are almost two weeks old, and they're really doing great! As of this afternoon.... - both are past their birth weights (Angela is now 3 lbs, 8 oz; Peter is 3 lbs, 9 oz) - they are both having time off the CPAP (that's the stream of room air that goes straight to their noses) and are doing very well without it - both are still on caffeine for their apnea, but Peter hasn't had an episode since the 14th (they forget to breathe sometimes, they usually right themselves, Angela is the only one who needs a little extra reminder now and then. Breathing and eating are two of the last things they learn how to do before birth, so while it's unsettling to hear that your child forgets to breathe now and then, it's not unusual at this point) - they are both taking in more and more at each feeding (through feeding tubes - they will get bottles when they get closer to their due date; they're on breastmilk with fortifiers to give them more calories and bulk them up) - Peter is now off his IV and they plan to have Angela off too in a day or so - nurses say they should definitely be home before their first due date (was first week of May; we're hoping for mid-April or sooner) Mama update: I am pretty much wiped out - I can only imagine what it would be like to have major surgery and have everyone home all at the beginning. Pumping, trying to take care of Sophie without picking her up, visiting the twins, and just resting are all wearing me out. I am having the hardest time letting go and letting other people take care of things, especially if they do things differently than I would have done them. There's a lesson to be learned here... when I'm not so tired I'll think about it some more.

READY OR NOT HERE WE COME - IT'S A BOY AND A GIRL! PETER JOSEPH & ANGELA FAITH Born Wednesday, March 3, 2004 (just squeezed in before midnight) Mommy, Daddy, and the babies are all in good health, and very proud, and exceedingly joyful! Daddy is just home right now doing a quick email. This is actually quite early for them to be born (Elena was at 30 weeks) - the twins' due date was May 7. So this caught us all by surprise. (I thought at least April) Last night I had just finished up teaching and Elena tells me that she's been timing contractions that were about 5 minutes apart. She called the doctor and he told her to go to the hospital as a precaution, and thank God we did, because by the time we got to the hospital they were 3 minutes apart and she was completely dilated. However, both babies were breach, and she had to have a C section. We were scared, but it went really well. Peter and Angela went directly to the NICU (Newborn Intensive Care Unit) as all preemies do and are being well monitored. The doctors said most preemies are kept in the ICU until their expected due date (May 7) - but depending on how they are doing they can come out a little earlier. They are on respirators to make sure their breathing is okay. Basically they are fine but they need to be closely monitored. A special thank you for all your thoughts and prayers and all kinds of help for our babies. We are very grateful they seem pretty stable right now. And they're beautiful!

A good bit of whining and complaining. I am officially HUGE. Carrying twins is no picnic. At 29 weeks (last week) I measured the same size as a 37-week pregnancy. I look like me, with a large watermelon under my shirt. I was this big when I had Sophie, except I could rest when I wanted to and wasn't lifting a 1-year-old and chasing her around the house. I sleep a lot. I could sleep all day and only wake up to eat and pee, and I still wouldn't get enough sleep. I went to the library yesterday for 15 minutes and it almost did me in. Sophie had a wonderful birthday party, but I slept for two days following and could barely move.